Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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