Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
