Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
