Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize