You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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