I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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