So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
