Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
