Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
