Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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