dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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