she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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