You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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