wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
