I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My Sexting was not on an AP level
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
