i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
