I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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