Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
