So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
