I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
