Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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