I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
