Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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