we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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