take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
