First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
