My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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