I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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