Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
