who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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