It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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