i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
