He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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