I skipped work to stalk him.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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