why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
