if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
