I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
