I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
