You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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