lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
