Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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