Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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