So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
