can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
