i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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