Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
