I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she told me i tasted like america
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
