You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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