wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize