nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
