Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
