so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
