They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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