I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
